


Prepared to be alone, not prepared for you

by Krs_Tea



Category: Dragon Age, Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-26
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2019-12-18 04:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 22,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18242399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krs_Tea/pseuds/Krs_Tea
Summary: "Nothing could be worse than the thought of losing you"A slow burn romance of Fenris and a Female Sassy Hawke mage told from Fenris's perspective.





	1. First meeting

Fenris’s skin prickled as he pulled his hand out of the man's chest. The sensation was all too familiar to him as the blue light emanating from his skin began to fade. He turned his head to the woman facing him. Her face was pale and stoic, unreadable of how she felt.

“I apologize,” He tried to make his voice sincere, but it just came across forced. In all truth he wasn’t as concerned as he felt he should. “When I asked Anso to find a distraction for the hunters, I had no idea they’d be so numerous.”

“It appears as though we have escaped unscathed.” Her voice had a light sense of laughter. If it hadn’t been so dark he would have swore that she was smiling.

“ Impressive. My name is Fenris. These men were Imperial bounty hunters working to recover a magister’s best property, namely myself. They were trying to lure me into the open. Crude as their methods were, I could not face them alone. Thankfully, Anso chose wisely.” He was feeling uncomfortable from talking about himself, but years of being a slave kept him from fidgeting with under his own emotions.

“Seems like an exceptional amount of length to go to for one slave.” Her voice was inquisitive, but still kind.

“Yes, it is.” His voice was cold.

“Does this have to do with your markings, or do all Tevinter elves glow?” There was no question any more, it was clear she was smiling. She stepped forward into the light and Fenris could now make out some of her features. Her brown hair pulled back into a tail with shorter hairs falling around her face. Her hazel eyes danced with humor. She seemed so innocent despite the scar that ran over her right eye into her cheek.

“Yes, I imagine I must look strange to you.” He laughed in spite of himself. “I did not receive these markings by choice. Even so they have served me well. Without them I would still be a slave.”

“I am always happy to help stop slavers. In the future you can just ask though.” She flipped her head so her bangs were out of her eyes.

“I have met few in my travels who have sought more than personal gain.” He looked down avoiding her hazel eyes. He reached down to the hunter’s belt and pulled out a note. His throat got dry as he read the note. “It is as I thought my master accompanied them to the city. I know you have questions but I must confront him before he leaves. I will need your help.”

“Well in that case, lead the way.” The young woman motioned with her arm dramatically towards the stairs leading out of the alienage.

“Yes.” Fenris turned and began to move away. He heard the group of three following him. He felt no need to fill the silence, it had never been his place as a slave to, and as such it never bothered him. While intrigued by the young woman, again it was not his place to ask about someone he was sure he would not see after today. He moved quickly through low town when he heard laughter from behind. He turned his head back to see the two women and the dwarf laughing. He looked at them inquisitively.

“We were just talking about drinks, and wondering if you will be having them with us after this.” The young woman cracked a smile at him again, to which Fenris stared at bewildered. They were heading into a battle yet they were talking about drinking.

“Hawke, I think you will just have to wait until after to talk to him. He is far to focused for your distractions.” The Dwarf let out a little chuckle.

“You’re Hawke?” Fenris’s voice was steady, not showing his surprise.

“No I’m Falcon.” Hawke let out a laugh, to which her two companions shook their heads. “One of these days someone is going to think it is funny. Yes, I’m Hawke. Any reason that is of particular interest?”

“I didn’t know Anso was going to try to recruit Hawke to help. Your reputation precedes you.” Fenris took the young woman in again. He would have expected her to be more serious.

“It usually does thanks to Varric here.” Hawke motioned to the dwarf. “As you don’t know who we are, this is Aveline, she is a member of the guard.”

“Well met.” Fenris moved so he could focus again on his surroundings. He didn’t know what to make of the group.

“Is there anything we should know about Danarius?” Hawke was keeping pace with Fenris as they turned the corner into high town.

“He is a magister of the Tevinter Imperium. Here he is but a man who sweats like any other waiting for death to come.” Fenris’s words dripped with hatred and anger.

“A magister...psh...what is the worst that can happen?” Hawke seemed to be unfazed to the annoyance of Fenris.

“I do not fear death, that does not mean we should be reckless.” Fenris turned towards the mansion.

“Agreed, let’s not send people into an ambush without a warning as that would probably be reckless.” Hawke’s voice had changed, no longer playful but instead sounded annoyed. Fenris shifted his eyes to the ground and said nothing but continued forward.

~~~***~~~

Fenris leaned outside, the cool air soothing his skin. He could feel every marking, every fragment of lyrium danced under his skin putting him on edge. It moved and reacted to the anger raging inside him. He heard the door open and Hawke, Aveline, and Varric appeared.

“I escaped a land of magic only to have it hunt me at every turn. It is a plague burned into my flesh and my soul. And now I find myself in the company of another mage.” Fenris’s anger still flashing inside him, infuriated that he had not realized that Hawke was a mage. “I saw you casting spells inside, I should have realized sooner what you really were. Tell me, what manner of mage are you? What is it that you seek?”

“I’m not seeking anything.” Her voice was firm.

“And yet danger will undoubtedly find you.” Fenris nearly spat the word back.

“It seems it already has.” Hawke’s voice remained even and cold as she stared back at him. Something about the interaction told Fenris that this was not the first time she had heard this, and that she was prepared for where this interaction could lead.

“I imagine I appear ungrateful. If so, I apologize, for nothing could be further from the truth.” Fenris stood tall. These interactions made him feel uncomfortable, as confrontation about his beliefs was something that as a slave would never be allowed. “I did not find Danarius, but I still owe you a debt. Here is all the coin I have as Anso promised.”

Hawke looked at his hand then returned her gaze to his eyes. “If you plan to stay here, perhaps instead you could assist me in some tasks I have to accomplish.”

Fenris could feel his blood rising. “I have no intention of being owned.”

“No I will gladly accept your payment, but if you could use some coin I could use someone with your skilled blade.” Her voice was calm despite the anger in Fenris’s voice.

“Yes. Should you find yourself in need of assistance, I would gladly render it.” Fenris’s voice softened.

“Thank you.” Hawke reached forward and took the small purse. She began to move away before turning back with a smile and saying, “I hope you will join us tonight at the hanged man, I’m buying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. If you liked please make sure to hit the heart or leave a comment. Also feel free to leave suggestions.


	2. Time to travel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aife Hawke asks Fenris to accompany her to deal with Tal-Vashoth at the wounded coast.

Fenris had no intention of consorting with mages, so it surprised him when after he had ignored Hawke’s invitation to get drinks, she appeared not three days later.  She didn’t mince words, simply asked if he was available to go to the wounded coast with her the following day to deal with some Tal-Vashoth.  There would be pay, but she wasn’t sure how much.  He had replied with a simple “yes”.  She had told him to meet her in low town in the merchant’s quarters early morning the next day, which left him where he was now walking in the crisp morning air through low town. 

As he approached the merchant quarters, he saw Hawke arguing with a young man only a few years younger than herself.  As he approached, he began to hear Hawkes words.  “Carver, I appreciate that you are apt to join us, but you are not needed.”

“Aife, I can more than handle this.  I also fought through dark spawn you know.”  The man presumed to be Carver sounded childish, and immediately was grating on Fenris’s nerves. 

“Then you should be able to handle anything Kirkwall throws at you no problem.”  Her voice was firm and her face stoic. 

“If I was Bethany you would be begging me to come.” Carvers sounded to Fenris like a child throwing a tantrum.  Carver’s blade shook as he took a fierce step back and he pushed both hands into his brown hair. 

Suddenly Hawke’s eyes became old.  Her voice dropped and Fenris could barely hear the words.  “You can think that as much as you desire, but we will never know because you are Carver.  I’m done talking about this.”

Carver turned abruptly and would have ran into Fenris had Fenris not side stepped out of the way.  He could just barely hear the annoyed mumbles as the young man stormed away.  He approached closer to Hawke who was leaning against the wall.  She turned and nodded at him and said, “We are just waiting for Varric and Merrill.  You haven’t met Merrill, but you will love her; she is also a mage.” 

In spite of himself he smiled at her sarcasm.  She ran her hand through her hair and leaned her head against the wall.  “What was that scene about?” 

“It’s a new play I’m workshopping.  It’s called family dramatics in the streets.”   Hawk rolled her head so she was looking at him smiling.  He cracked a smile back.

“Your brother then?”  He let his face return to normal from the smile, shifted his feet, and crossed his arms.  She nodded back at him.  “Why aren’t you bringing him. It looks as though he would be able to handle his own.”

“He can more than handle his own.  It is not because of his safety that I don’t want him here.”  Hawke shifted forward and turned to face Fenris directly.  “Carver has been trying to figure out who he is, and who he wants to be.  It has been weighing on him heavy as of late.  I would like to help him, but I think my presence makes it only more difficult.  He has been through a lot and I will help him in any way I can.” 

Fenris was surprised by her consideration.  He had never met someone that put someone else in front of themselves to such a degree.  She didn’t seem to care that Carver blamed her either way, she focused solely on what was best for him.  She was now holding her staff touching a long strip of red fabric tied around the top.  She was twirling the fabric around her hand feeling it gently.  Hawke had sparked his interest and he wanted to know more.  “Who is Bethany?” 

Hawke stopped touching the fabric and twisted her head towards him.  He felt her eyes bearing into him and she turned her attention to her staff.  She twisted her staff around and put a strap attached to it over her head so it would hang off her back.   As she was adjusting her strap her voice came across firm. “She is no one.”

Fenris shifted himself so he was now facing the same direction she was and as he did so he heard the voice of the Dwarf call out to Hawke.  Once he got within earshot Hawke commented, “Oh Varric, is there anything you are on time for?”

“It takes time to look good.”  Varric laughed while motioning at himself.

“Is this your way of saying you need more time, because…yeah.” She took her hand and motioned at his face and then down towards his body while making a disgusting face.

“Darling you don’t need to pretend, I will stay humble if you say the truth.”  The two laughed a hearty laugh but Fenris began to wonder what the nature of their relationship was.  He shook the thought off reminding himself that she was a mage.

 It was just then he heard a soft voice calling in the distance and a petite elf running towards them.  His hand instinctively went to the hilt of his sword.  He felt his body tense as the girl began to slow, but as he looked to Hawk and Varric who were smiling and waved at the elf. 

“Hi Merrill, nice of you to join us.”  Hawke said through a large grin.

“I’m so sorry I’m late.  I saw a wonderful person selling sweet bread and got distracted.”  Merrill lifted her hand forward offering some of the sweet bread towards them, to which Hawke broke of a small portion. 

“Alright, lets head out.”  Hawke moved forward linking her arm with Merrill and moved forward.  As she strolled away Fenris noticed the sway of her hips.  For a moment he felt himself getting lost in the movement and he started to feel himself swelling at the thought of her hips swaying against him.  He looked away ashamed at himself for again thinking about the mage in such a way.   

~~~***~~~

Outside of the city Hawke and Merrill were still walking ahead of the other two discussing various herbs.  Fenris kept his eyes on the ground when he heard Varric’s voice.  “Elf, no need to be so talkative.” 

“What do you wish to talk about?” Fenris turned his head towards Varric.

“I am surprised you agreed to come.  You seemed so adamant against mages I was certain I wouldn’t see you again, with Hawke being a mage.”  Somehow Varric always seemed to sound like he was telling a joke.

“I was surprised as well when Hawke approached me.  We will see in time if this was a mistake.”  Fenris was trying to sound positive but his voice sounded annoyed even to himself.

“There is that positivity.”  Varric chuckled to himself.

“Varric do you know who Bethany is?”  Fenris was frustrated at his prolonged curiosity. 

“Bethany?  Do you mean Hawke’s sister?”  Varric stopped for a moment and stared at Fenris for a moment before continuing on. 

“I suppose I do.”  It seemed with every moment around Hawke lead to something more intriguing.  Something must have happened to her with the reaction Hawke had earlier.  “What happened to her?”

“She died.”  Varric’s voice dropped in volume and he began to walk a little slower putting more distance between them and Hawke.  “When they were fleeing Lothering during the blight they were attacked by an Ogre.  Bethany was killed.  Hawke blames herself, as does her family.”

Fenris continued to look forward. “Were they close?”

“Bethany was also a mage, and Carver’s twin.  Hawke cared for the two of them and their mother since their father died.  She doesn’t like to talk about it.  I wouldn’t suggest bringing it up.”  Varric continued.  “Why do you ask?”

“I heard Carver mention her.” 

“Just like Junior to throw Bethany into Hawke’s face.”  Varric sounded frustrated.

“Is there something between you two?”  The words spilled out of Fenris’s mouth before he had a chance to stop them.  He shouldn’t care, yet he had asked the question. 

“Broody, who knew you could feel anything other than anger.”  Varric smiled and laughed.  Fenris was about to correct him that he was not interested in the mage, but Hawke turned around and Varric jogged to catch up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I hope you like the latest chapter. Please if you like it hit the heart button or leave a comment. It really helps me feel more inspired to get chapters out faster.


	3. Alone together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke are alone around the fire at night when Fenris has a flash back to his time in Tevinter

Fenris felt strange traveling with people again. It was nice to have someone to look out for him in battle and watch his back, but in the quiet moments he felt uncomfortable. As he sat around the fire and the others chatted he stared into the flames and let his mind wander. It wasn’t long until it was just Hawke and Fenris still awake at the fire.

Hawke shifted and it drew Fenris’s attention to her. Her high cheekbones were even more apparent in the firelight that danced across her face. She had her staff across her lap as she was sitting on the ground leaning against a larger rock. She looked wistfully at the red fabric tied around the top of her staff as she twisted it through her hand. She reminded him slightly of a cat playing with a ball of yarn. The idea brought a smile to his face of Hawke acting like a kitten.

As if on cue Hawke looked up. Their eyes locked and he noticed the slight smile that crept on to her face. Fenris’s skin began to tingle and the lyrium began to stir. The light danced across her face and his heart fluttered. He was unsure how long they had held eye contact when Hawke looked down and moved to her feet but it simultaneously felt like forever and too short.

“I’m going to go to sleep. Would you like me to put the fire out?” Her voice was soft and made his skip at the sound.

“I suppose it would be best.” Fenris moved to his feet. Hawke began to move her hand in the air to which the flames responded following her movement.   She brought her hand up to which the flame grew and then in a quick circle and closed her hand and the fire instantly died. The lyrium in his skin began to burn in the response to the magic, and he instantly was reminded of his time wit Danarius. He felt paralyzed as his mind focused solely on his memories. The darkness overtook him and he was in Tevinter.

_Danarius was calling his name. Fenris entered the room to see Danarius siting surrounded by other magisters.   Danarius had his sick smile on as he told Fenris to demonstrate how he could phase shift. Fenris completed the activity and one of the magisters said how magnificent, but what of control. Danarius then raised his hand and Fenris could feel the lyrium still fresh pulling in his skin. His skin felt on fire and his bones felt as though they were breaking. He could hear Danarius’s voice a whisper in his ear, “Slaves must always remember who is in control.”_

Fenris felt a sensation. Someone was touching him. He gasped for air blinked and turned his head to see Hawke standing over him. He was on his knees and the sweat was rolling down his face.

“Fenris?” Her voice was soft and she moved down to her knees to look into his face. “Fenris, what’s wrong?”

He opened his mouth to lie, but no words came. He remained in place breathing deeply to which Hawke moved closer moving her hand around him slowly. She continued until he was in her embrace.

“I didn’t know it would affect you like that.” Her voice was soft barely above a whisper. “I’ll try to be more careful in the future.”

“It is fine.” He closed his eyes and Hawke’s sent engulfed him. He lost himself in a moment in the smell of cedar and salt.   He shook the thoughts from him and quickly moved away from her. “I will see you in the morning.”

 

~~~***~~~

 

Fenris awoke early before the sun had fully risen; he had barely been able to sleep. He had instead spent most of the night thinking of how he would approach Hawke and what he would say. He was concerned that she would think of him now as a liability.   That at any moment he could have another flash back, even potentially in battle. While it had been quite some time since his last flash back, he was still not prepared to handle it.

He moved to where Hawke’s sleeping roll was only to find the place empty. He looked around to see the Dwarf and the blood mage still asleep. He moved towards a noise just beyond the area they were sleeping to see Hawke moving through standard fighting training exercises. Forms and training series he himself had used during training. She rolled down to the ground dodging invisible arrows and then proceeded to complete 15 pushups and then jumped up. She proceeded to kick the air and move her arms slicing the air with invisible blades.

She was so strange was all that Fenris could think. Every thing he knew about her should not go together, and yet it somehow did. She was kind but firm. She was thoughtful but didn’t let others take advantage of her. She trained like a warrior but fought as a mage. She was full of pain but made jokes constantly. She was beautiful, just absolutely beautiful.

He began to walk closer and Hawke noticed him. She stopped and moved to him. With a grin and a chuckle she started the conversation. “Good morning Fenris. I trust you had plenty of dreams of unicorns and rainbows.”

“I need to apologize for last night. My lyrium markings rarely react in such a way and it caught me off guard. You can trust that it won’t happen again.” Fenris stood firm as he recited the words he had decided on.

“I’m glad to hear you are ok.” She pulled one arm across her body to stretch her shoulder. As she pulled the other one across she locked eye contact with him trapping him in place. “However, it is alright to not be ok also. Sometimes we don’t heal right, and other times we don’t heal at all. We forget the wound is there until some pokes it. If you do find that your lyrium marking are causing issues you are always welcome to find me.”

“It is kind of you to be concerned, but I can assure you I am quite alright.” He looked away from her as he wondered if he said something in his flash back, or if she was just astute. “I don’t remember anything before these markings, but I would imagine losing family would be quite difficult, and it would be even more difficult not to blame yourself. I hope that you are not caught in such a trap.”

She stopped stretching and stared him. Her eyes began to get glassy, and he hoped she had taken as a form of kindness of what he said.

“Thank you.” She turned and grabbed her staff and he caught her wiping her eyes as she was turned. “We should get going.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like it please feel free to hit the heart or leave a comment. I'm struggling a bit with writing Fenris's character so if you have and suggestions/feedback on how he is coming across I would love to hear it.


	4. Drinks and Decorating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris is drinking in his mansion when Hawke stops by

Fenris was already drunk when he heard the knock on the door.  He had been in the main foyer staring into the fire otherwise he doubted he would have heard it.  He moved to the door, a small blade in his hand and opened the door to find Hawke. 

“Fenris, what a surprise to find you here.”  Hawke laughed at her joke, to which Fenris groaned and motioned her inside.  He heard the door shut behind him as he exchanged the blade with the bottle of wine he had left on the table when he had gotten the door.

He continued to move forward, and he could feel himself slightly sway as He crossed back into the foyer.  He paced along the wall looking at the shelves containing books.  He heard Hawke sit down and he turned to look at her.  He moved the bottle to his lips and took a big swig as she watched him.  He motioned to the bottle as he explained, “Agreggio Pavali.  There are six bottles in the cellar.”

He waited for her comment.  He was sure it would be something snide or sassy and when she remained silent, he put the bottle to his lips again.  Somehow her silence was digging in, eating at him.  “Danarius used to have me pour it for his guests.  My appearance intimidated them, he said, which he enjoyed.”

“I can’t imagine why they would be put off.”  Her voice was soft.

“You say what is on your mind, I will give you that.”  He felt something in him stir.  The same emotion that Hawke always invoked in him longing. He wondered if she was speaking earnestly, or in jest.  He found himself hoping it was in earnest and that she would reach for him at any moment.  Put her arms around him like she had that night just a few months prior.  Neither of them had spoken of it since, but he thought of it often and desperately wanted to tell her of such. He lifted the bottle to his lips.  Then as he swallowed, he looked down at the bottle.  Was this what he had become?  A drunk?  Someone who spent all day wishing he could be happy.  Infuriated with himself he threw the bottle with the remaining wine at the wall. The bottle exploded on contact coating the wall and the nearby bench in the red liquid.

He was staring at his hands, furious that he felt such anger.  Furious that he couldn’t let these feelings of hatred go.  Finally, the sound of Hawkes voice brought him back to the present. “You could have offered me a glass first you know.”

“There is more, if you are really interested.” He was still angry but if a drink would keep her here, he would open every bottle in the house.

Hawke raised her hand to her chest and drew in a deep breath in her classic over dramatic manners.  “Perish the thought.  How would you redecorate the walls?” she flared her hand out, motioning at the other red stains that had accumulated since he had begun squatting in the house.

He laughed a good hearty laugh.  Hawke always had the way of getting that out of him.  He wanted to tell her such.  He cleared his throat to begin, but as usual he didn’t say what he truly meant to.  “I’ve wanted to leave my past behind me.  But it won’t stay there.  Tell me, have you never wanted to return to Ferelden?”

“Lothering was destroyed, I have no home to return to.” She looked down to the ground.

“The Blight is over.  You could rebuild what you had.  Do you truly not want to?”  He couldn't imagine having a a home to return to, and to just let it slip out of her hands shocked him.

“I do think about it sometimes,” She was looking through him as if seeing something that was not there. Her eyes refocused and she returned.  “but I think what I really want, is to return to a Lothering that doesn’t exist.  A Lothering that may never have existed but one I built up in my mind.  Return to people who no longer exist, and a family that isn't real.  The truth is Lothering was destroyed, there wouldn’t be anything to return to.  What is left of my family is here.  If I plan my future trying to regain my past, I may miss out on something better.”

“A new place to put down roots.  A new future you can write, I understand.”  He looked at her.  He wondered how she could just move on.  His heart yearned to be able to do so but found he was always stuck wishing for something different or wanting to change the past.  “Still to have the option…must be gratifying.” 

“You have been on the run a long time then?” Hawke gave him a compassionate smile.

“Three years now.  Danarius has always had a way of finding me – perhaps it is the markings?  Whatever the means, it never takes him long to follow.”  He looked at her with a slight smile.  “This is the first time I’ve given him reason to pause.  I suppose there are advantages in numbers.”

“You’ve never sought help before?” She seemed surprised. 

“Hirelings when I could steal the coin.  Never anyone of substance,” He paused for a moment to look at her.  The kindness in her eyes was unparalleled.  He had never felt so close to someone and he was trying to impart that on her.  “Until you.”

“Maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like you want to stick around.

“I could see myself staying—for the right reasons.”   His throat got dry as he said it.  He wondered if she understood what he meant.  “I should thank you again for helping me against the hunters.”

“Yes, you should.”  Her eyes were twinkling, and her smile was intoxicating.

“Had I known Anso would find me a woman so capable, I might have asked to look sooner.”  He found himself smiling lightly back as they locked eyes.  His heart felt as though it were about to take off. 

“You sound like you are about ask for a loan.”  She let out her signature chuckle to which he returned.

“Well this mansion does require some upkeep, not to mention the redecorating.”  He felt so light in conversation with her.  It seemed so easy just the two of them in this moment.  “Perhaps I’ll practice my flattery for your next visit?  With any luck I’ll become better at it.” 

 “I would like that.”  She smiled and took the hand he was offering to get up.  It felt as though time stopped as they were staring into each other’s eyes.  She moved her chin up subtly as she leaned in slightly.  He shifted his chin down and moved an undetectable amount closer.  They stayed like that for moments as he stared at her lips.  He found himself wondering if they were as soft as they appeared, and he found himself wanting to pull her passionately in to him. The thought alone caused hs member to begin to swell. She pursed her lips gently and leaned back.  “I almost forgot, we are meeting someone tomorrow for a job.  He needs help with something called the bone pit, and I was hoping you had time to join us.”

“Yes, I am at your disposal.”  Fenris watched as she turned quickly and began to walk away.  He longed to call after her.  Beg her to stay and never leave his side, but the thought was ridiculous.  Instead he touched his lips for a moment before turning to walk to his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been reading! If you haven't yet and are enjoying the story, please hit the heart or feel free to leave a comment.


	5. Just how deep does a friendship go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris learns just how close Varric and Hawke are

Fenris had been looking for Hawke and had walked over low town realizing how little he knew about her daily life.  He knew she lived at her uncle Gamlen’s but outside of that it was in low town he did not know where it was.  He had searched asking for Gamlen, he believed the last name was Amel in the Merchants quarters.  It took time and talking to far more people than Fenris had wanted to that morning, but he was directed to where Gamlen resided. 

Once at the residence he knocked only to see Carver.  While the two had never admitted it to anyone, neither of them were fond of the other.  Fenris found Carver to wine and complain while never attempting to fix the issues.  He blamed Hawke for his inability to complete things rather than looking at himself.  His Sister may be stronger and have gotten more name recognition, but the way Fenris saw it, that only gave Carver more of an opportunity to rise higher. 

At the sight of Fenris Carver immediately rolled his eyes.  “What are you doing here?” 

“I am here to speak to Hawke.”  His voice was steady, but he could already feel his annoyance with Carver.  The young man had lived with too much privilege to behave so poorly.  It surprised him that two people could be raised in such a similar environment, but the result be so drastically different.

“You mean Aife?  We are both Hawke.”  Carver crossed his arms.  Despite that Fenris knew Carver hated that their namesake had become almost entirely associated with his sister Fenris refused to placate him by calling her anything other than Hawke.  It was how she introduced herself and she had earned the respect to be called whatever she chose.

“It certainly isn’t you that I am looking for.”  Fenris shifted his feet.   “Please let her know I am here.”

“I would but she never came home last night.”  Carver began to turn.  “And no, I don’t know where she is.  Perhaps ask one of her friends.” 

Fenris moved away as the door shut behind him.  Each interaction with Carver always left him wondering how Hawke could handle such a child on a regular basis.  He made his way to the Hanged man. Despite the amount of time he had spent searching for Hawke it was still early enough for dew to still be present chilling his skin.  He moved through the bar and made his way to Varric’s rented room.  He saw Varric entering the room with a glass of water and Fenris followed in shortly after. 

There he saw Hawke on the bed, and she awoke to Varric entering.  She stretched in all four directions smiling.  Her bare shoulders poking out.  Done stretching she curled herself under the blanket again.

“Oh, my dear, Varric, please tell me we finally made a baby last night.”  It was clear she hadn’t seen Fenris as she remained focused on Varric. 

“Oh darling with me I’m sure we made three.”  Varric laughed as he reached to hand her the glass he held. 

“Three?! We will be destitute.  How can we ever afford three at one time?”  She reached her bare arm and grabbed the glass from him.  She took a long drink before asking, “What time is it?”

“You’ve missed the first bell of the day.”  Varric laughed at her.

“I’m glad to see you at least made it in the bed last night rather than the floor.”  She set the empty glass down on the floor.

Hawke sat up and the blanket fell around her waist revealing she was just in her breast band.  Her creamy skin covered with scars.  The feeling of intimacy stirred Fenris making his body begin to feel hot.  He cleared his throat and the two looked over at him in the doorway.  “Hawke, I heard news about the missing young woman in high town.  I can come back later if this is a bad time.”

“Now is fine.”  Hawke stood revealing she was just in her smalls.  She reached down grabbing her pants and pulled them up over her hips.  “What did you hear?”

“There is a templar that has been investigating some missing women and they might be connected, I heard that it has led him down into dark town.”  He averted his eyes catching only brief glances of the barely dressed Hawke. 

“We should head down and see if we can find some more information.”  Hawke pulled her tunic over her and moved towards the door.  She shoved her laces into her boots followed by her feet.  “Meet me at second bell in the merchant quarters and we can go.  I need to go get my armor and staff.” 

She shifted her feet and tapped the toe of the boot down before leaving.  Fenris watched her leave staying in his spot.  His stomach felt as though there was a stone inside.  He looked at Varric who was sitting at the chair in his room adjusting his boots.  “I was unaware that Hawke and you were serious.”

“Don’t tell me you are jealous Broody.”  Varric’s voice was traced with laughs.

“No.  With you both planning that expedition into the deep roads it seems unwise to sleep with a business partner.”  Fenris crossed his arms.  His blood was hot and although he didn’t want to admit it, he was filled with jealousy. 

“Thank you for looking out for me, I never knew you cared so deeply about me.”  Varric sat back in his chair.

“You can do as you please, I would just hate to miss such an opportunity because neither of you thought this through.”  Fenris tried to push his anger aside.  He desperately wanted the feelings to disappear, but the feelings were overwhelming. He turned angrily to leave.

“Relax, Hawke and I aren’t an item.”  Varric called to him which stopped Fenris in his tracks.  “We aren’t romantically involved in any way.  We haven’t kissed.  We didn’t sleep together.  Well we did sleep together but that was all we did, just sleep.”

Fenris turned back to him.  “Why did Hawke sleep here?”

“When Hawke drinks too much she rents a bed out of the shared room.  Sometimes all the beds are taken, and she crashes in my room.”  Varric stood up.  “Since she is drunk and unarmed it wouldn’t be wise for her to walk home.  Also, I’m sure junior would give her a real great time about spending money to have a drink.”

“I do not understand why she puts up with so much from Carver.  It is clear that without her he would not have survived the blight, let alone make it as well as he has in Kirkwall.”  Fenris felt an instant wave of relief over him.  He was ashamed that he cared so much but couldn’t help himself, but the feeling was quickly replaced with his disdain for Carver.  He then realized, he wanted to protect Hawke from the poor treatment of her brother, protect her from the constant pain that Carver inflicted on her.

“Family is never that easy.”  Varric began to move to the door to which Fenris stepped out of the way.  “Either way she is always welcome to crash here when things don’t work in her favor.”

“She should be more thoughtful and prepared in her actions.”  Relieved as he was that she was not involved with Varric, he was annoyed still at their closeness.  He knew that a large part of it was the fact that he didn’t think he could ever provide her with the same comfort that Varric did regularly and it bothered him. 

“And you should just tell her how you feel.”  Varric said as he pulled the door close behind the two of them. 

“There is nothing to tell.”  Fenris continued to move through the bar with Varric.

“Of course there isn’t broody.”  Varric rolled his eyes and they continued to walk to meet Hawke. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the chapter. I thought it was a fun idea of what happens when Hawke drinks too much. (on the fence of how it turned out) 
> 
> Thanks for the support everyone it has certainly made me want to keep writing :)


	6. Goodbye Carver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris comforts Hawke after Carver joins the Grey Wardens.

All of Hawke’s friend had been part of the main expedition into the deep road outside of Aveline and separated into smaller parties returning to the main camp throughout the time in the deep roads. It was a week that Anders, Varric, Carver, Bartrand, and Hawke had been gone looking for various antiques. They had returned with two less members, and Hawke and Varric had gone straight to their respective tents to sleep.   He found himself standing around Anders with Merrill and Isabela.

“What happened to the brothers?” Isabela spoke softly.

“Bartrand left us. We had found an artifact we were sure was going to make the trip worth while, and he took it and left us down there.” Anders looked behind him before he continued. “Carver contracted the taint.”

“No.” Merrill gasped placing her hand over her mouth. “But no one else has been affected.”

“That is the way of the taint. Some are more susceptible.” Anders looked down.

“So what happened to him?” Fenris trying to get the conversation back on tracks.

“I remembered the area and that there was a grey warden campaign near. We took Carver and I petitioned Stroud that the Grey Warden’s have Carver become a Grey Warden.” Anders voice was calm but Fenris sensed pride in his voice. It struck Fenris as though Anders was bragging. Anders continued to explain but Fenris was unconcerned.

In the days that followed Hawke began to act unfamiliar. In the time that Fenris had gotten to know Hawke he had become quite accustom to her schedule. She slept less than anyone else in the party. It was often that she would be putting the fire out, now with sand, as she was the last one to go to sleep.   She would than wake up early and complete several training routines. In all the time that he had known her she had never strayed from her routine, until now. He noticed it the first day after she had returned, she was the first to turn in for the night and in the morning she didn’t come out of her tent until after everyone else had rose.

Fenris had wanted to say something, but there was nothing he could say. None of his word would change what had happened, and he had no sense of reference to relate to what she felt. After three days of observing Hawke flounder Fenris decided he would do his best and approached her. She was sitting near the first drop off for the cliff overlooking the ravine. Her face was in her hands and she sat motionless. He sat next to her quite for a few moments before he stood up and repositioned his armor to keep from biting him.   As he sat down he heard her let out a large sigh.

“Fenris, what can I help you with.” Hawkes voice was weak and shaky. He was surprised at how she still seemed to care about others despite her clear pain.

“I came to see if there was something I could do for you.” He tried to make his voice soft, but came out in his normal vibrato.

“There is nothing that can be done.” Her voice sounded cold and apathetic. It was not like her normal tone at all. “I failed father. I failed Bethany. Now I have failed Carver.”

Fenris shifted. He didn’t know what to say so he remained silent next to her. Soon Hawke continued, “Maker, what will I tell my mother. She begged me not to let Carver come but I had thought it would help him. If he was part of what brought our family honor and raised us up he wouldn’t feel so over shadowed. Instead now he has joined a group he had never mentioned before. Maker, why can’t I do anything right.”

“It is not your fault.” Fenris was looking straight ahead. It was odd to him, that she took the blame. It was bordering frustrating to him that she didn’t see that others were responsible. “Carver was far from blameless in this situation.”

“Was he?” Hawke lifted her face from her hands and Fenris could see the streaks of tears down her cheeks. “As much as I would like to believe so, I am not sure he really had a lot of choice in the matter. Our father spent a large amount of time with Bethany and I teaching us to control our magic, and he was left out. After our father died, I tried to help him, but I think that made it worse. Bethany died, the person he was closest too, and it hit him hard. I’m not sure he has healed from that at all. Then when we worked off our debts it didn’t help when he found out they paid his way only to get me. I would love to believe that he was responsible, but I think I played more of a role than even I know.”

“You are a kind person, but he is responsible for his own actions. He had the ability to move past those issues but he didn’t.” Fenris’s annoyance was showing. He wanted to shake her shoulders and force her to see.

Suddenly Hawke let out a little chuckle. “Carver didn’t like you either.”

Shocked Fenris looked over at her to see her have a smile on her face as she shook her head back and forth. “What do you mean?”

“You don’t have to pretend.” She turned towards him with a smile. “He thought you were going to turn me in to the Templars because of your feelings towards mages. “

“That is not how I would handle things.” Fenris found his contempt towards Carver growing.

“I told him the same thing. You would try and kill me before you turned me in to the Templars. He didn’t find it very reassuring.” She let out a little laugh, and Fenris was shocked. _How could she find this funny?_ “I thought it was odd he was so frustrated with you because even he was starting to not be fond of magic.”

“You find this humorous?” It came out more of an accusation than a question.

“More just refreshing to have a normal conversation. You complaining, me trying to get you to see the bright side.” She smiled again.

“I feel that I am trying to get you to see the bright side.” Fenris said. “It does feel strange being on this side though.”

Hawke laughed her hearty laugh and Fenris found himself smiling in return. “I suppose you are right about that one.”

Hawke scooted her hips towards him so they were closer and leaned over. She lowered her head so that it was resting on his cloth-covered shoulder. He found himself thankful that he had taken off his armor prior to coming over. He stood pretty firm forward until he felt her move her face to rearrange to a more comfortable position. He found himself raising his arm around her to which she moved closer.

“Thank you Fenris.” The words made his heart yearn. He wanted to pull her completely into his arms. But he stayed in position and instead leaned his own head down so it balanced on the top of her head. He took a deep breath in and silently wished that the moment would last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again everyone for the likes and comments. It has kept me so excited to write more chapters. 
> 
> Things are going to start heating up between Fenris and Hawke soon :).


	7. It was only an apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris comes to apologize to Hawke after he betrays her in the fade only to run into her spending time with Anders. Once Hawke is out of earshot Anders confronts Fenris on his feelings towards Hawke.

Fenris waited outside of Hawkes home. Hawke had spent a significant amount of money moving her family from their low town residence to the old Amel mansion in High town. Although Fenris wouldn’t admit it he was grateful that she had made the move, as it was nice that she lived closer. It had resulted in her stopping by his place more often. He smiled now at the thought, but quickly any sense of positivity disappeared as he remembered he was here to apologize.

He was ashamed thinking about it now. She had asked him to accompany her into the fade, despite his fear he had agreed. He would follow her anywhere, or so he had thought. Just as it had so many times his past had stopped him from being the person Hawke deserved. As he saw the demon there it has pulled on his greatest fear and greatest desire. It had offered him a path to stop the pain in his home country. If the demon had given him the power to equal that of the Magister’s, he could have freed all of the slaves and fixed the future.

He sat outside for what he was sure was an hour before he heard her voice coming up the walk. She was with someone who he couldn’t quite make out at first. “I had a lovely time with you. Thank you for walking me back, Anders.”

Of course it had to be Anders. It wasn’t bad enough that he was coming here with his tail between his legs to apologize but now Anders had to be present to witness it. Fenris remained seated, hoping Anders would leave before they got too close.

“As did I. I appreciate you taking time from your day to spend some with me.” Anders voice was soft as they continued to approach where Fenris was sitting. He could finally see Hawke and instantly his heart dropped. She was dressed in an oversized tunic and loose britches, her hair down, and she the kohl around her eyes had a slightly more defined look to it.

Fenris had grown accustomed to Hawke and Anders spending time together on missions and had never thought anything of it. He was well aware that if she were helping any mages she would leave Fenris behind and usually take Anders. Rarely did she ever ask both of them to accompany her somewhere. This was clearly different. She didn’t even have her staff with her. Fenris swallowed trying to get the lump out of his throat that was quickly turning into the hot anger of jealousy.

“You make it sound like I have so much to do constantly.” Hawke’s laugh rang out and made Fenris’s heart hurt.

“My apologies, I forgot about your immense free time between helping everyone who asks, and elevating your family to their noble status again.   You must be so bored.” Hawke laughed at Anders’s words and put her hand on his shoulder. Fenris was beginning to feel the lyrium respond to the anger welling inside him, to which he took a deep breath to calm down.

There was a brief pause as they looked at each other before Hawke looked down and pulled her hand off. Fenris could have sworn she looked embarrassed. She turned and her eyes caught sight of Fenris. “Fenris?” Her voice was shocked but quickly her face revealed a slight smile.   “What are you doing here?”

Fenris stood and caught a slight glance at Anders and took note of the sheer annoyance of his presence clear on Anders’s face. For a moment he reveled in the pleasure of the frustration he had caused before responding. “I have been thinking about what happened in the fade, that a demon could play so easily on my fears disturbs me.” Fenris stared at Hawke as he said it trying to forget Anders presence. Hawke opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off. “I failed you I won’t let that happen again”

“Fenris, the demon was using magic on your mind. It was as simple as that.” Hawke took a step forward. Her hand moved forward and as though she had thought better of it she dropped it again to her side.

“And yet she didn’t manage to influence you.” Fenris had meant it as a compliment, more than self-deprecating, but it was clear Hawke understood it more as the latter.

“Fenris, I appreciate you coming, but there was no need. I am just grateful that we all are alright after the ordeal, and we will live to fight another day together.” Hawke’s smile of reassurance appeared on her face and when Fenris did not return it her smile disappeared. “Am I wrong in assuming that you will continue to assist in matters of the city?”

“As always I remain at your side.” The corners of his mouth turned up just slightly.

“I’m glad.” Hawke turned as if remembering that Ander’s was present and addressed them both. “I must turn in, tomorrow I must meet with the Viscount.   Again it was nice seeing you Anders”

Hawke entered inside and as the door closed behind her Fenris turned to leave. “What is your plan?” Anders’s voice was harsh.

“Is there something on your mind?” Fenris turned to face him. The two had avoided each other as the few interactions they had in the past indicated stark contrasts in opinions.

“You should stop doing this to Hawke.” Anders’s had regained control over his voice and was speaking much calmer.

“Just what am I doing to Hawke?” Fenris however was beginning to show annoyance.

“The constant flirting with her followed by ignoring her.” Anders held eye contact with Fenris who opened his mouth only to close it again. “We all see it and you are only going to hurt her.”

“You are so sure of my intent.” Fenris responded trying to hide his emotions.

“It is not your intent that I am sure of, it is your hatred of mages.” Anders had caught Fenris off guard. “Hawke is a mage, and yet you believe that all mages should be locked away or killed. You believe that there is no injustice in how they are treated because you are blinded by your own pain.”

“Hawke has more than proven that she is not a mage to be feared, but for every one that is like her, there are many more who would suffer no pain to use their powers for evil.” Fenris could feel the heat rise at this abomination questioning him.

“Can you not hear the hypocrisy? To believe that the best way to handle the difficulties of magic is to lock everyone up is to believe in locking up all of us, no exceptions.” Anders’s voice had dropped in volume but the intensity had grown. “Hawke doesn’t agree with you. She doesn’t want to be locked in a circle, nor does she it that she is an exception. All you will bring her is pain that she either has to deny herself or hurt you. Which it is abundantly clear she doesn’t seem willing to hurt you.”

“How dare you?” Fenris snapped back but Anders was not done.

“Do you realize to deny our magic is equivalent to give up walking, sometimes even breathing. She is an elemental mage who now takes sand to put out a fire as to not frustrate you. She boils water over the fire, and will walk farther to get cool water so that she doesn’t have to use her magic when we are at camp.” Anders continued. “You will only hurt her in the end.”

Fenris looked away as silence grew between them. Fenris had noticed that she rarely used her magic, but he had pretended that it wasn’t to that extent.   Suddenly anger began to swell in him as he realized that Anders was not solely concerned with Hawke’s well being but also from jealousy. “And I presume you believe yourself to be better for her?”

“At least I won’t force her to deny the essence of who she was.” Had Fenris not been so angry he would have rolled his eyes at the dramatics of Anders’s words.  

“No, you will instead only use her to further your agenda.” Fenris narrowed his eyes, as Anders appeared surprised. “Yes, act surprised. Do you think I haven’t noticed the way you speak of her to others? You mention her acts and speak of how had she been locked in the circle she would never have been able to accomplish so much. You speak of her as though she is not a person but rather than a piece of evidence to further your _cause_.”

“I would...”Anders started.

“You are right, I do hate mages. I hate how selfish and narcissistic they are. However much this may bother you and your ideologies, I have always been up front with who I am, rather than treating people as objects to further my cause and pretending to be noble while housing ulterior motives. We both know between the two of us who is going to hurt her worse in the end.” Fenris turned and walked away. He thought he heard Anders say something, but his anger was causing everything to seem muffled in his head.

As much as Fenris believed everything he said, it didn’t change the truth of what Anders had said. Fenris did have feelings for Hawke, and he was well aware that they had stark differences in their opinions of mages. He looked down at the ground and turned the corner to head towards his own mansion. He felt like a walking contradiction and he knew one of the things would have to be dealt with. As much as he wanted to pretend that his feelings would go away towards Hawke, it had become abundantly clear over the last three years that his feelings were here to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you to everyone who has been reading and giving me support for my story. 
> 
> If there is anything you would like to see, or a plot point drop a comment below!


	8. A token of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke gives Fenris a present the night before confronting Hadriana.

Fenris had been aloof since he found out Hadriana was in the area. He had asked Hawke to forsake what they had been traveling for and immediately search for her to which Hawke complied. It had surprised him, as it still shocked him how often she put others needs in front of her own. He was always expecting that the next time she would let him down.

Fenris sat by the river polishing his sword. They should be arriving to where Hadriana was held up the next day. He had almost completed the oiling of his sword when he heard the soft steps behind him. Instinctively his hand went to the handle and he lifted the sword preparing for anything. “Fenris?” Hawke’s voice cut through the darkness.

“I am here.” Fenris responded. He was so glad she was there, but he couldn’t think of anything other than destroying Hadriana.

She moved next to him and sat down laying her own staff down on her lap. She leaned against the same tree he was and their shoulders were touching gently. He began to oil his sword again. “The best part about being a mage is the immense amount of oil I save by not needing to oil a weapon.” Fenris looked over at her to see her foolish grin. “That deserved at least a smile.”

“Is there something I can help you with?” Fenris tried to smile but just felt forced.

“I was just worried about how you are doing.” Hawke tried but when Fenris didn’t respond she tried a more straightforward approach. “How are you holding up?”

“I want to say I am doing alright, but I am consumed with the hatred. Hadriana was always horrible to me, and I don’t know how I will react to finally facing her. They took everything from me and left me with nothing.” Fenris’s voice sounded far off. He was surprised at how he had finally been able to open and show these emotions.

“Fenris, you don’t have nothing.” Hawke’s voice sounded gentle which only infuriated Fenris who felt as though she were minimizing his feelings.

“Nothing is mine. Everything I have is stolen. I live in a mansion in which I am squatting. The lyrium grants me powers over my enemies, but were Danarius’s. Even my freedom, every breath I breathe I stole from the masters who owned me. “ Fenris was unimpassioned as he spoke.

“Fenris you are wrong. You have more than you are counting for. You have your passion. You have your friends, Aveline Varric, everyone cares about you.” Hawke paused as she looked at him.   There was something in her eyes. “You have me.”

They stared at each other for quite some time and his entire body began to feel light with joy. They held the eye contact and he swore she would be able to hear his beating chest. “I presume you are correct.”

Hawke’s lips turned into a tight smile and he could just make out the slightest blush on her cheeks. He could feel his own cheeks get hot as well. Her eyes darted down to her staff as her hands flew up to the red cloth around the top of her staff. She quickly worked as the knot as Fenris watched. Finally the knot came undone and she pulled it free. The wind picked up the end of the fabric stretched out revealing that it was a long strip.

She brought the fabric to her face and stroked it against her cheek before turning towards Fenris. She shifted her feet underneath her so she was sitting on them facing him.   She reached for his right hand and held it in one hand as she held the fabric in the other.

“Fenris you seem to forget often that you are no longer alone. You may not remember who was your family in the past, but you have a family now.” She made eye contact with him. “I would like you to have this. Every time you feel alone I want you to look down and remember that you are not alone. I want you to remember that there are many people who care about you, who love you.”

Her voice caught on the last word. Fenris looked at her but was in shock and didn’t know what to say in return. She began to wrap the fabric around his wrist and continued to talk. “This is very important to me, and I have kept it with me to remember the same thing.” She had finished the knot, but continued her downwards gaze as she spoke. “When my father died I cut off a piece of one of his tunics and carried it with me. One day when Bethany was crying I gave it to her and told her to keep it so she remembered she was never alone. When she—passed she handed the cloth back to me and told me the same.” Her voice had become shaky but she continued. “It has served me well the last three years, but I think you need it more. I would like you to have it more.”

“Her shoulders were lightly shaking. He lifted his hand out of her hands and immediately she moved both her hands to the tops of her thighs.   He moved his hand to her cheek and she moved her face towards him. Their eyes locked and Fenris began to speak. “Hawke, I would never have believed there was a person like you in this world. You truly are an anomaly and I will never know how I became so lucky to have gotten to know you.”

Fenris moved his finger to wipe the tear that was rolling down her cheek away. Her lips subtly parted and she lifted her opposite hand to Fenris and moved her fingers across Fenris’s cheek. The silence grew between them as she lifted off her feet moving closer to her. He moved his hand to behind her head and his fingers moved through her soft hair. Their lips had become close enough that he could feel her breath. They remained like that for a long time, neither wanting to initiate closing the gap. Fenris could feel his heart beating in every part of his body.

Suddenly Hawke closed the gap. Her lips were warm against his and soft. The moment provided a joy he had never been familiar with him in the past.   Warmth rushed his body and then he felt her tongue graze his lips before she pulled away. Fenris opened his eyes to see Hawke’s face blank of emotion. Hawke shifted back and rose with her staff.

“We’ll find her tomorrow. Make sure to get some sleep.” Hawke’s voice was still shaky. He could barely hear the last of her words as she moved away.

He looked ahead and touched his lip. He smiled at the memory of her lips and longed for her to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for spelling and grammar mistakes in my stories. I am not the best at proof reading and I'm sure this chapter is especially bad as I am a bit tired right now as I'm posting it. 
> 
> if you have any comments or thoughts feel free to drop them below. Thank you to everyone who has shown some love I really appreciate it!


	9. Hadriana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris finally encounters Hadriana only to hurt Hawke.

Fenris took a deep breath. They were at the entrance to Hadriana’s hide out and were about to enter.  The sun beat against his skin but yet he still felt cold. The stood huddled around Hawke’s quiet voice. “Remember as I will cast a fog which should shield your initial entrance Fenris. From there Isabelle you flank off of Fenris’s left and Varric you cover from behind. I will try and keep any extra people isolated in the back.”

The other’s nodded in agreement.   Isabelle and Varric took position on either side of the entrance prepared for battle. Hawke began to move forward and placed her hand on Fenris’s back leaving it there for a moment. He turned and made eye contact. In her eyes he saw a deep sense of caring and for a moment he wanted to let everything go and be here with her, but that wasn’t reality. Reality was on the other side of the abyss and he had to face it head strong. She pulled her hand away, nodded at him and together they charged in.

After they made the initial charge Varric and Isabelle scouted to ensure the room was clear when they found a young elven woman.   The young woman was breathing hard and lifted her hands in front of her face in a defensive movement.

“Are you hurt? Did they touch you?” Fenris had grown use to the reality of the slave trade and was aware of what it meant for a young woman. As much as he tried to dissociate he knew that what was taken from many young girls was far worse than the freedom taken from men.

“They have been killing everyone! They cut Papa...bled him.” Her voice was panicked but she had lowered her arms. “The magister...she said she needed power, that someone was coming to kill her.” Fenris looked down and away before looking at the young slave. Once he returned her gaze she continued desperately, “We tried to be good! We did everything we were told! She loved Papa’s soup. I don’t understand...”

“Is the magister still here?” Hawkes voice cut through the silence. Fenris felt relieved, as he had been unsure of how to respond.

“I think so...” The young girl’s eyes seemed to be getting glassy. “The magister said they were to prepare for battle. I think she’s very frightened.”

“She has ever reason to be.” Fenris’s anger was rising and came through in his voice. It had been a while since he had come in contact with a slave and the injustice was enraging.

“Please don’t hurt her! She’ll be so angry if you hurt her.” The young lady gripped her hands together in fear.

“This has been terrible for you.” Hawke commented.

“Everything was fine until today.” The young girl looked devastated a she spoke.

“It wasn’t, you just didn’t know any better.” Fenris looked away as he spoke.

“Are you my master now?” Her voice seemed hopeful.

“No!” Fenris stepped back in shock. He couldn’t believe she would ask such a question to him. It was alarming that her first thought was to find a new master and not consider freedom.

“I can cook. I can clean! What else will I do?” Her desperation was coming through again.

“If you go to Kirkwall, I can help you.” Hawke smiled. “When you get to Kirkwall, ask for the Hawke estate, someone will be able to direct you.”

“Thank you!” The young girl smiled enthusiastically. “Praise the maker.”

The young girl ran out the way they had come and Fenris looked after her. He could feel nothing but heat over his body as he thought of Hawke taking a slave. After all that she had done to help him, all the times she had agreed with him around slavery. She was a sham and he felt betrayed.

“I didn’t realize you were in the market for a slave.” Fenris spat the words at Hawke.

“I gave her a job, Fenris.” Hawke had added emphasis on the use of his name that made him feel even more ashamed.

“Ah then...that’s...uh...good.” Fenris looked away. “My apologies.”

It wasn’t long or difficult until the found Hadriana. As stared into her eyes with her begging for her life he felt himself shake with anger. Telling him he has a sister to try and gain her freedom. As she finished he looked at her face and instantly his mind went dark.

_He was in a small room, no it was a cage. He couldn’t stand up in the space and could only lay curled on his side. He would occasionally shift his body around so that his legs could stretch out completely. It had been Hadriana that had put him in here, and it would have to be her to let him out. He was unsure how long he had been kept inside when he heard Hadriana’s footsteps._

_“Oh little knife-ear are you ready to behave?” Her voice sounded like a singsong as she spoke. She spoke to him like he was an animal._

_“Yes.” Fenris responded. He would say anything to be free or to receive nourishment._

_“Does the pet want his dinner?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Treat me with the respect I deserve. Respond to me properly when I ask you a question.” She struck the bamboo bars with a stick hitting part of his side._

_“If it pleases the mistress.” Fenris responded. She began to laugh as she dumped his food just outside of the cage, just outside of his reach. She turned and walked away continuing to laugh._

He hadn’t even realized his lyrium was reacting at first but his hand was cocked and he was already driving it into Hadriana’s chest when he realized what he was doing. He crushed it. A gurgling sound emitted from her mount as he watched her eyes open wide. Her mouth opened violently as she tried to gasp as though air would save her. He held onto her heart as her eyes rolled backward and then slowly removed his hand. He turned to leave when as always Hawke’s voice could be heard. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Fenris knew she was being kind but somehow it didn’t matter. He was still angry. He was angry with himself for letting his rage overcome him.   He was angry that Danarius still existed. But most of all he was still enraged at Hadriana. She was in his head and even though he had finally killed her she was still torturing him.

“No I do not want talk about it.” Fenris wanted to stop yelling at Hawke but he couldn’t. It was as though his emotions were ruling and he was stuck in the sidelines as the anger stampeded through his body out through his mouth. He wasn’t even sure about the words he was saying anymore. They all cascaded together as he talked in circles of traps.  

“Maybe we should leave...” Hawke’s hand landed on Fenris’s shoulder. Her calm kindness that he had always found so soothing somehow made it worse. He didn’t understand how she could be calm with everything that had occurred.

“I don’t want you comforting me.” He shirked her hand off. His words felt like poison in his own mouth. He knew he was hurting her, and somehow that made him feel better. As though every bit of pain he cause her was less he felt himself and so he continued. “You saw what was done here. There is always going to be some reason, some excuse why mages need to do this.   Even if I found my sister, who knows what the magisters have done to her. What has magic touched that it doesn’t spoil?”

Finally Fenris looked back at Hawke. Her face looked hurt, but strong. It was barely noticeable but her eyes looked betrayed as she stared back at him. Her voice was calm and soft as though she were saying something soothing to him. “I guess there is nothing that hasn’t been spoiled.”

The instant the words left her mouth he felt his heart shatter. He had betrayed her on such a deep level with his words. All of the anger he had felt was gone and was instead replaced with guilt and shame. He felt the immense overwhelming urge to flee and so in a soft voice he said he was leaving and made quickly away before Hawke could stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to every one who is being so supportive on this work! I am having a lot of fun writing it so I really appreciate it. Let me know if you have any feedback or suggestions in the comments! Thanks for reading


	10. I wish we could

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris and Hawke confront their feelings.

Fenris found himself sitting outside Hawkes mansion once again waiting for her to return so he could apologize. He wondered to himself how many more times she would accept it. He thought back to those moments and so much he had not wanted to be so hateful towards Hawke, but somehow his anger swarmed him taking him over. Fenris bent forward and placed one hand behind his neck rubbing it trying to relax. Despite sitting there for so long he still had not decided on what he would say when he saw her again. Once again he was running through different possibilities when he heard her approaching.

He jumped on to his feet to which Hawke jumped back swinging her staff around to her front. When her eyes met Fenris’s she rotated her staff back to her back and stood for a moment. Fenris stared at her paralyzed in fear.  

“Did you know you aren’t over at your place?” Hawke cracked a small smile and motioned in the general direction of his home. Fenris let out light chuckle.

“You weren’t at your home either.” Fenris smiled back.

“Do you need something?” Hawke’s smile had gone and he saw traces betrayal written on her face again.

“I took out my anger on you, undeservingly so. I was...not myself.” Fenris made eye contact with her wanting her to feel his remorse. “I’m sorry.”

“I had no idea where you were, I was concerned that something had happened.” Her genuine concern only made him feel worse.

“I needed to be alone.” Fenris had made the decision that he would tell her his true feelings if it meant fixing what he had broke. “When I was a slave Hadriana was a torment. The thought of her slipping out of my grasp now...I couldn’t let her go. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.”

“What do you mean?” Hawke inquired.

“This hate.” Fenris looked down at his hands as though his hate were about to manifest. “I thought I’d gotten away from it. But it dogs me no matter where I go. To feel it again, to know it was they who planted it inside me...it was too much to bear. I had thought I could be like you, and let it go but I couldn’t. But I didn’t come here to burden you.”

He had failed again already. All he wanted was to make her feel better. To heal the break he had caused between them. Her piercing blue eyes were watching him closely and he began to move away. “What _d **id**_ you come here for?” Hawke asked.

Fenris turned back to her to see her lips slightly parted. He remembered the feel of them against his own. Their softness and warmth, the flick of her tongue at the last moment haunted him even at this time. She shifted her bottom lip and bit it which only made him want them more.

“I came to see you.” His honesty shocked himself. He stepped forward and put his hand behind her head. Slowly he took another step closing the gap between them. 

“Here I am.” Her voice pert the way that had won his heart.

It was all that he needed and he pulled her face to his and their lips hit together fiercely. Her tender lips moved softly against his. He put his other hand around her back and pulled her into him. He could feel the warmth of her body through her clothes against his cool skin. The lyrium under his skin began to feel light and gentle. The tattoos began to make him feel like the taste of fresh baked bread fresh out of the oven, a warm feeling unexplainable. Hawke shifted her hips towards him rubbing his member, which sent a desire though him with a ferocity that he had never felt before. He shifted his hand down to her ass and squeezed. Hawke let out a light gasp and they separated for a moment breathing heavy.

“Fenris,” Her breathing was quicker than normal. “We can’t do this.”

Fenris released her and stepped back. “I had thought you felt the same. I’m sorry if I had misread your intentions.”

“No! No I do like you Fenris.” Hawke turned her back and ran her hands though her hair. She turned back and gripping her hair and looked at him. “Its about what happens with those feelings. What comes next after this moment? If we continue, we are going to wake up tomorrow and everything will still exist.”

“What do you mean?” Fenris stared at her.

“Fenris...all of this. “ Hawke opened her arms at her sides as if to indicate she was what she was referring to. “Fenris, I’m still going to be a mage tomorrow. Tomorrow you are going to still hate magic. We are still going to be at odds.”

She let out a sigh and continued to pace and began to speak faster. “Fenris, I wish we could go upstairs. It’s just how can we be when a part of who I am causes you such pain? I’m never going to not be a mage, and you have made it clear you are never going to be ok with mage freedom.”

She stopped pacing to look at him.   Her face sad to which Fenris had no words. After the silence grew Hawke continued again calmly this time. “I didn’t choose to be a mage, but it as much a part of me as anything else. You tell me regularly that you hate mages; you might as well tell me that you hate all humans. It is a fundamental part of who I am that you cannot stand.” She took a deep breath and let out a deep sigh. “I understand and don’t blame you, but I’ve never felt shame for being a mage and I’m not going to start.”

Hawke silently stared at Fenris. Several moments passed as Fenris felt the weight of her eyes waiting for a response but he had nothing to say. He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, grab her in his arms and push her against the wall. But reality was not his friend, so he stood still as he watch Hawke start to walk past him. He turned as she entered her home and the door closed behind her.

His head swam and his heart felt as though it was were stabbed with a thousand daggers. He wanted to scream but instead found himself running. He ran trying to escape the despair threatening to engulf him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is being so supportive and everyone who has taken the time to read. Work is a little hectic so my chapter might start taking a little longer to get out, but they will still come!


	11. Passionate Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris runs into Hawke at the Hanged Man only to go home with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some explicit content in this chapter. It is marked at the beginning and end by **************XXXXX**************

Fenris had been frequenting the hanged man at an increased rate over the last three months since that fateful night with Hawke.  While she hadn’t stopped asking him to join her on various situations she had not come to his house to spend time with him outside of their travels.  Instead she would send a messenger to his door holding a note asking for his help.  Fenris was sure to everyone else it appeared that she treated him the same it hadn’t gone unnoticed that she didn’t stay up around the fire with him anymore.  He even missed the stupid jokes she used to make followed by her hearty laugh and goofy smile.  She now spoke courteous but to the point.  It was clear that their dynamic had changed. 

It hurt him even now thinking about the change in their dynamic.  She had been right that he was stuck in his ways.  He desperately wanted to overcome but somehow he couldn’t get past the giant wall of hate that seemed to surround him at all times, still he was making effort.  He tried to show that to Hawke by not saying anything when they were approached for help by mages, and not speaking out as often about his difficulties with magic. Despite his best efforts, he found there weren’t many opportunities and it seemed Hawke hadn’t noticed not to mention she would avoid him when she was helping mages. 

He raised his glass of brown liquor to his lips letting the room temperature liquid burn his mouth and throat as he slowly swallowed.  Slowly he lowered his hand to the table and noticed Varric giving him an incredulous look.   “You are supposed to drink to forget elf, not drink to brood.”

Fenris let out a scoffing noise at Varric.  “I was unaware there was a wrong way to drink.”

“Me too.” Varric laughed and began to shuffle the cards again.  They had been alternating between diamond back and wicked grace as of late and tonight had turned into a Wicked Grace night. 

The game continued and around the time Fenris was down two sovereigns when there was a commotion at the entrance.  Fenris looked up and his breath caught in his throat.  There standing in the front door laughing as she gave a high five to someone Fenris did not recognize was Hawke.  She stood in billowing gray pants tied around her mid waist and a tunic cut short exposing her midriff to keep her cool in the evening humid air.  Her hair now cropped short and pushed back creating a puff of hair on the top of her head.  Her eyes lined with coal giving her blue eyes an even more piercing look.  Her face clear of the red paint that she smeared when traveling to intimidate those in battle. 

She moved across the room shaking her hips to the quicker than average beat the minstrel was playing.  She had a giant grin on her face as she grabbed the drink the bar tender was holding out for her.  She began to drink it as she headed straight over towards the general direction Varric was. 

“Thank goodness I finally found my dwarf.”  This wasn’t the first time Fenris had heard Hawke refer to Varric as “her dwarf”.  A phrase that is usually derogatory had become a point of endearing pride between the two of them, proven all the more by the large grin on Varric’s face.

“I’m glad you are here, I was beginning to think I would have to pay for all my drinks tonight.”  Varric’s voice was clear as he lifted his glass to motion for another drink and motioned towards Hawke, which Fenris assumed meant to put it on Hawke’s tab.

“One of these days you are going to drink my purse dry.”  Hawke tipped her own glass back and finished off the drink and turned to make the same motion that Varric had made. 

“A lesson to you about the type of people you are associating with.”  Varric laughed again. 

The waitress came over with two fresh glasses one for Varric and one for Hawke and took away their empty ones.  Hawke began to raise the glass to her lips when her glance caught Fenris’s and he noticed her pause momentarily.  It was subtle but he noticed the quick stop of her movement, her chest expand in a slight gasp, and her eyes widen ever so slightly before she began to continue her movement.  She took a sip and then lowered the glass to the table.  With a grin on her face she turned to Fenris and spoke coyly, “Fenris?  I didn’t know you ever left your home.”

Her eyes on him the entirety of the world melted away and he brought his eyes to hers and held her stair.  Speaking slowly making sure to annunciate each word he replied.  “I am trying to be more open to things.” 

“It is good to be open.”  It wasn’t lost on him that her eyes darted down to his lips and then returned to his eyes as she pursed her lips. Their eyes locked and Fenris could hear his heart pounding in his ears. Hawke broke their stare shifting away.

Fenris hung back for the evening sipping on his drink watching as Hawke moved through the crowd. He caught himself smiling as he saw her enjoying herself freely. When she took to dancing in the open space he let out a light chuckle. She shifted her hips and moved her arms in an uncoordinated manner and quickly others joined her in the sporadic movements. A look of pure joy across her face she made eye contact with Fenris. Her smile widened slightly and she moved across the floor towards him.

 “Can I get you drink?” She said as she ran her hand through her hair.

“Only if I can get you one.”  Fenris was unsure if his head was feeling light from the drinks or if it was from Hawke’s intoxicating presence.

“If you insist.”  Hawke let out a light chuckle.  She raised her arms as she shifted her hips through the maze of chairs to get to the bar.

Standing next to her now her sent was bewitching; a mixture of light lavender and salt.  She asked the bartender for a drink for each of them as she leaned against the bar.   Fenris placed his elbow on the bar and leaned towards her gently watching her face.  She looked at him and slowly her lips raised into a small smile.  Fenris’s voice came out softly, “I haven’t seen you around.”

“It has been a while.”  She lifted one of the drinks the bartender had left on the bar for them.  She swirled it in her hand and then took a large drink.  Fenris noticed that her movements were less refined than when she had initially arrived.  She cast her eyes down and shifted her feet running her toe along the grain of the wood. “I assumed you didn’t want to see me.”

Fenris felt his heart drop. The pain on her face was so clear to him it felt like it was cutting him to the core. Influenced by the alcohol he spoke without thinking. “I never would not want to see you.”

Hawke looked up and made eye contact with him again. Her eyes were inquisitive begging him for something. He felt her yearning and he moved one foot forward closer to her. Hawke with her empty glass in one hand reached her other for his. Her hand found his and he felt heat begin to emanate throughout his body. Fenris looked up from their hands and saw her watching him a smile grew across her lips. “Would you walk me home?”

Fenris felt his heart quicken. Her smile was enticing and he knew there was nothing he wanted more than to be with her more. He nodded followed by a quiet “yes”.

She put a gold sovereign on the bar and still holding his hand led him out of the hanged man. Fenris looked back as they were leaving to see Varric watching them leave.   He tried to determine what the look on Varric’s face meant, but quickly it fell out of his mind when he looked back towards Hawke.

She walked quickly and they were almost out of low town when she pulled him into a small alcove. She grabbed his other hand and pulled him closer. She put both of his hands on her hips and began to kiss him. Her normal refined nature replaced with inhabitation fueled by alcohol.

Her lips were soft against his. He felt his body yearn for her more and he shifted his hands around her hips to rest on her ass. He squeezed and she let out a gasp pulling her mouth away from his.   “Would you like to come to my place?”

Her voice had been uncertain but he realized what that look in her eyes had been. She was yearning for him in the same way he yearned for her. “Wherever you go I will follow.”

 

**************XXXXX**************

Hawke moved away now, more rushed than before moved towards her house. They entered her home and moved straight to her room. They had barely crossed the threshold of her room she shut the door. The stood staring at each other for a moment before Fenris stepped forward. He grabbed her one hand on her shoulder the other around her waist pulling her into him. He kissed her fiercely. She responded by pulling him closer and he fell against the closed door, her lips never leaving his. She raised her leg up and his hand found her thigh holding it up. He reached for her other leg and lifted her off the ground. Her hands wrapped around his neck steadying herself as he moved forward carrying her to her bed. Once there he placed her down on her back. She looked up at him as he began to pull off his tunic. She bit her lip once he had removed his tunic revealing the shimmering tattoos that graced his body. The subtle movement sent a need through his body.

He bent down placing a knee beside her leg. He kissed her, and felt her hands as she untied the knot around her pants. His hand found her bare midriff and his hand rose up under her cropped top. He felt her breast band tight over her chest. His finger stroked the underside of her breast. Hawke reached down and raised her shirt over her head, wiggling to get it out from underneath her. She put a hand behind her back and untied the knot on her breast band. He looked down to see her skin littered with scars he had never seen something so beautiful. She pulled the breast band off of herself revealing her light pink nipples. Fenris reached down and squeezed her right breast. She began to try to wiggle out of her pants when Fenris reached down helping her maneuver out of them. Once off she was completely naked and Fenris felt himself swelling to image of her.

He stood watching her for a moment.   Everything about her was so beautiful and he couldn’t believe he was here with her in this moment. She reached forward and pulled at the knot on his pants. Once loosened his member sprang forward as she pulled them down. Now free he was overwhelmed with a need for her. He moved forward and entered her. The sensation overwhelming and he watched Hawke arch her back moaning in pleasure. He placed his hands around her hips keeping her in position and began to move slow and picking up speed. She reached and touched his arms squeezing. His tattoos flared under her touch, but instead of the normal painful sensation they burned with pleasure.   A sensation he had never felt the likes of.

 

**************XXXXX**************

He sped up in the final moments and as he felt himself release he was overwhelmed with memories. He remembered everything. He was no longer Fenris. The room and the moment melted away. He remembered his family, his old name, the peace he used to feel. As he reached for the memory it was gone. He returned to himself and found himself lying next to Hawke. She moved into his arms and cuddled close to him. His heart hurting he squeezed her and looked straight ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being patient! I probably rewrote this chapter 5 times trying to get it to go right. Thank you to everyone who has been reading!


	12. Please forgive me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris realizes his past is too much a part of him, and his PTSD is flaring nonstop.

 

Fenris could tell Hawke was now asleep in his arms, her head resting on his chest, by her now rhythmic breathing. He had thought of this moment and little else in much of the time he had gotten to know Hawke. He had imagined how soft her skin would feel against hers; that his feelings for her would overcome the pain of his tattoos. They would lay together all night and he would breathe in her sent and know what it was like to not be alone for the first time in his memory.

No amount of imagination could have prepared him for the reality. He never could have imagined the sensation of his tattoos singing under her touch leaving him with a pain that resonated into a warm feeling of happiness. Even now with her asleep he felt the lyrium pulsating with her magic and it felt like a song for his soul, a secret song shared only between the two of them. He wondered if she could feel it too. He moved to begin stroking her arm wrapped around him.

Despite the immense enjoyable sensations he had felt with her and the happiness he felt with her, his heart hurt. He wanted to let go of what he was feeling but it was all consuming. All of his memories and past emotions were right in front of him, just out of reach. A vague memory taunting him at what could be. He could feel his eyes getting wet from the feelings and he turned his head away from Hawke who was still sleeping.

His chest was constricting as he felt residual emotions from the memories he couldn’t reach. They were taunting him and all he felt was immense fear and anger but couldn’t explain. His breath was coming in fast and shallow. He began to clench his hand not touching Hawke. He could feel himself getting slightly dizzy from his quick breathing and so he began to hold his breath trying to get his heart to stop racing.

As he began to feel himself calm down intense feelings of rage enveloped him as he thought about the reality that was his life. All he had wanted was this amazing woman that lay in his arms that despite everything somehow seemed to reciprocate his feelings. Everything was right in his reach, but yet like his memories now were out of reach. No matter how they felt he was still broken. He couldn’t even look at her now without feeling the need to cry and rage at the same time.

He began to shift his body and Hawke let out a light moan before rolling off of him and on to her pillow. Fenris moved to the edge of the bed and began to pull on his pants followed by his tunic. He moved off of the bed over to the bench at the end of her bed and grabbed his boots. He pulled his right boot on and stopped staring ahead into the fire. He dropped his head into his hands and his breathing came ragged to him. Pain emanating from his heart as the reality of what was happening sank in. He heard Hawke begin to stir and he quickly pulled on his other boot and stood up.

Fenris drew in a deep breath and looked over at Hawke now sitting up. She raised her hand to her face to rub her eyes. Fenris could hear the insecurity in her voice, the courage from the liquor long since faded. “Was it that bad?”

“I’m sorry it’s not...It was fine” He regretted it once the words escaped his mouth. She tried to hide her disappointment but it was clear that his words cut her. “No that is insufficient. It was better than anything I could have dreamed.”

“Is it because I’m a mage?” Her voice was so sad it hurt him worse.

“No, it’s not that.” The words rushed out, not for one moment would he ever want her to think that. He took a deep breath and cast his eyes down. He wanted to run from her now, but at the same time he felt compelled to tell her everything. Even this felt overwhelming and he began to pace. “I began to remember. My life before. Just flashes...It’s too much. This is too fast. I cannot...do this.”

“Your life before? What do you mean?” Her voice was soft as she inquired. She sat up shifting her legs over the edge.

“I’ve never remembered anything from before the ritual. But there were...faces. Words.” Fenris raised his hand to his face. He wanted to tell her everything. “For just a moment, I could recall all of it. And then it slipped away.”

“If it brings your memory back, maybe we should do it more often.” She gave him a coy smile and he found himself returning it for a moment. He wanted nothing more than to go and fall into her arms, but even now as he tried to will himself to go to her he felt the anger resurge. He was unsure where it came from but it was overwhelming.

“Perhaps you do not realize how upsetting this is.” He clenched his fists trying to convey his emotions he didn’t understand to her. “I’ve never remembered anything and to have it all come in a rush only to lose it...” His voice was shaking. “I can’t...I can’t”

“Fenris, I can help you. We can do this together.” Her voice sounded pleading, to which Fenris shook his head.

“I’m sorry. I feel like such a fool. All I wanted was to be happy...just for a little while. Forgive me.” He took one last look at Hawke and he saw the glittering of tears in her eyes. He turned his head and began to walk away before his own eyes gave way. He was a fool for thinking he would be able to overcome his past. He wanted her more than anything but he couldn’t begin to unravel his feelings and so for now he needed to leave to deal with the sensations that were overwhelming. As he walked out of her room his hand went instinctively to the red ribbon he always wore around his wrist and gave a silent prayer that Hawke would one day forgive him for his weakness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been reading and leaving kudos! If you like it please feel free to click the like, and if you have any comments, suggestions or things you would like to see feel free to leave a comment. :)


	13. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fenris talks to Varric about Hawke

 

The first week after Fenris had walked out that night, Fenris spent most of his time alone in his mansion. He had barely ventured out and had spent most of his time drinking or playing cards by himself. He had been so ashamed that he was not able to handle his emotions, and so angry that he had let Hawke down he couldn’t bear to face anyone. It was all he could handle to drink and lay around.

It wasn’t until Hawke had come by and asked him to help her with her latest request from the Viscount that Fenris even realized he would be okay. His only thoughts before than had been so focused on that he was sure that Hawke would despise him he hadn’t even begun to hope that she would ever talk to him again. The first words she spoke were one of the most beautiful things he had ever heard, not only because of the sound of her voice, but because it meant that she didn’t hate him. That realization alone had been liberating.

In the weeks that followed he had fallen into a routine that had been somewhat therapeutic. When not traveling he had a fairly regular schedule. Once a week he would go to the Hanged man and play cards with Varric, and Isabelle. The two of them would keep him on his toes, and force him out of his comfort zone. Once a week Donnic comes to Fenris’s mansion to play diamond back. Donnic filled the silence allowing Fenris to enjoy time without concerning himself with words. Once a week Hawke would come by and they would spend time playing cards, talking, or exploring Kirkwall. The nights with Hawke were his favorite, as he already had known she was the one that was easiest for him to talk to. She somehow always coaxed things out of him he never dreamed of telling, and once it was in the air she would break the tension with a bad joke, a goofy smile and staring waiting for him to laugh, to which Fenris would comply. 

It was about four months before Varric finally said something to Fenris about Hawke. Prior to that Varric had avoided the subject repeatedly but as Fenris sat staring at his cards in Varric's room sitting at the one table, Varric across from him sighed. “So Broody, you and Hawke.”

“What about it?” Fenris stared at his cards. He didn’t want to talk about it but at the same time he wanted to release the burden he was carrying.

“What happened?” Varric placed a card down drawing another. “It had seemed like things were going well and then all of a sudden...”

“I don’t know what you want me to tell you.” Fenris stacked his cards on top of each other and set them down.

“How about the truth?” Varric also stacked his cards and set them down in front of him. “Explain to me how you justify using Hawke the way you do?”

“I have done many things but using Hawke was not one. Everything was real between us.” Fenris looked down as he ran his finger along the edge of his small stack of cards. “It might be hard to believe but I didn’t intend to hurt her. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be everything she needed, but I’m not. Hawke is someone special and she deserves someone who can take care of her not someone like me. She spends every bit of her energy taking care of everyone and healing his or her pain never taking time for herself. She doesn’t need to add anyone else to take care of in her life.

“I can’t even keep my head on straight for one night. Every moment is agony. I know it is fake and I know that it is not reality but I can’t stop it. I can’t stop the feelings. I can’t stop the reactions. That is the last thing Hawke deserves.” Fenris was staring at the table.

“What are you going to do when she finds someone else?” Varric’s voice came out even. Fenris could feel Varric’s eyes boring into him.

“I am already broken Varric, any pain I feel for her to get happiness will be worth it.” Fenris reached for his cards.

“It’s a noble effort to put someone’s happiness in front of your own.” Varric picked up his own cards. “To try and stop someone from loving who they love is a fools errand.”

Fenris lifted his cards and tried to focus on the cards. The fact that Varric had used the term love hadn’t escaped him, but it didn’t change the reality. He was broken and Hawke deserved someone who she didn’t have to take care of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who has taken the time to read and give kudos! Let me know if there is anything you would like to see in the story


	14. Please stay for the night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of losing Hawke's mom Fenris comforts her.

Fenris walked behind Hawke through high town and to her house.   He had fought hard with the dwarf to walk her home alone after they had found her mother in the bowels of dark town.  Even now he could hear Hawke’s cry of pain when Leandra took her final breath. The noise shook Fenris to his core as he watched her shake from the pain.  Now she moved as though she were sleepwalking. 

Quickly she removed her armor in the front entrance not bothering to hang appropriately.  She moved deftly, not making eye contact with anyone as she walked through the foyer. Her steps had changed and quickened. He noticed Orana, the elf maid Hawke had hired, look on to Hawke and step forward to follow, but then she looked at Fenris and turned away. Hawke rushed up the stairs and Fenris had to jog to catch up to her.

Once Hawke got to her room she stopped abruptly in the center. Fenris noticed her begin to clench her hands repeatedly. She folded over herself and put her hands into her hair clutching it. He heard her draw a loud breath in and suddenly she began to scream. Hawke stood and kicked her leg forward hitting the bench in front of her bed. The bench fell backwards one leg breaking against the bed. Fiercely she ran over to her desk and pushed all of the contents on to the floor. The inkpot breaking once it the wood floor emitting a black liquid that Hawke stepped in. She reached back at the desk grabbing an oil lamp and threw it. It crashed into the wall exploding on impact and the oil began to crawl down the wall. Next Hawke grabbed the chair and slammed it into the wall. The legs broke but the rest remaining intact she threw it across the room letting out another scream.

Fenris heard the stamping of running feet to which he quickly turned and held a hand. He shook his head silently at them to let them know it was all right and closed the door. Fenris turned back to see Hawke have a small chest in her hands and she threw it against the wall, like the lamp it exploded on impact. She began to yell again as a wind picked up around her fluttering and grabbing at her tunic and pants. Fenris felt the lyrium under his skin begin to prickle as the room began to turn cold. Hawke reached out her hands and instantly the wind stopped. Hawke reached up grabbing the canopy on her bead and tore down. As the fabric gave way she stumbled backwards. Fenris reached her wrapping his arms around her.

“No!” Hawke screamed repeatedly as she dropped the fabric pushing her hands against Fenris. He could feel the warmth of her hands despite the cold that was still emanating off of her. Slowly her pushes stopped and her body began to shake. Soon the words came out as no more than sobs. “Leave me alone. No! NO! No!”

Hawke’s legs collapsed and Fenris and her fell to the ground on their knees. No longer pushing him away she sobbed into his shoulder as he held her. He held her silently letting her cry without question.

After time her body stopped shaking and he could feel her tears cease. He squeezed her close to him and she let out a light whimper. He stroked her back gently. He didn’t remember his family and even though he wanted to say something to ease her pain he didn’t know what one would begin to want to hear. He was about to begin to talk to fill the silence when her voice came out, barely above a whisper. “Fenris...would you stay with me tonight?” She twisted her head slightly so she was now resting the side of her face on his shoulder.

“Hawke...”His voice came out regretful. He wanted to stay and be with her, but the thought filled him with fear. He was scared of what might happen, and worried that he might delve farther into his pain of the past.

“I just don’t want to be alone.” Her voice began to shake. She was pleading with him and her pain seeped into his very core. “I don’t expect anything, if you could just stay with me tonight. Please.”

“Yes. Whatever you need I am here.” He felt her collapse into him with his agreement. It occurred to Fenris that this was the first time Hawke had ever asked Fenris for something. He would give up everything he had if it would ease her pain. He placed his arm under her knees and the other supported her back. He eased himself up and carried her limp body to her bed. He lowered her gently on to the bed. She remained lying a moment while he walked around to the other side of the bed. Slowly Hawke sat up to remove her boots. Standing across from her Fenris watched as she raised her loose tunic above her breast band, paused, and then lowered it back down. Despite the lack of words he knew she was remaining dressed to make it clear she respected his boundary. He couldn’t shake how considerate she was even in her moments of pain.

Fenris moved onto the bed and pulled the covers over himself.  Every part of his body felt hyper aware as he lay there. He could feel the light scratch of the covers on his skin.  The shift of the covers across his chest as Hawke pulled the covers up to her chest.  The bed shifted as she moved closer to him.  She shifted her body again and he looked over towards her, his body tense. 

“Would you mind if I warmed the bed?”  Hawke’s voice was quiet and sounded nervous. 

“You can do as you please.”  Immediately Fenris regretted the words.  He hadn’t meant to come across harsh, but his unease had caused him to come across terse. 

“Will it hurt you?”  Hawke rolled over her blue eyes piercing him.  He could hear the exhaustion in her voice and felt her slight shiver through the bed.

“I will be fine.”  Fenris responded softly.  Immediately he began to feel his tattoos shift and the lyrium move under his skin.  The lyrium began to sing the song it always did when Hawke used magic around him.  His muscles tingled and he felt relief.  His body felt relief similar to sitting after having to run for a long time.  It felt so gentle and calming.  He had never felt this with from any other magic use other than with Hawke.  Soon the heat emanating from Hawke reached him easing aches he didn’t know he had. 

His lyrium tattoos stopped moving and he knew she had stopped the use of her magic.  He heard her let out a ragged sigh and a light whimper.  He wanted to make her feel better.  He lay tensely when he felt her soft skin touching his pam as her hand moved into his and she interlaced her fingers with his.  He watched her and noticed her bottom jaw tremble slightly.  She drew in a quick breath with a whimper and then bit her lip keeping her eyes closed.  He removed his hand from hers and wrapped it around her pulling her in.  She responded by moving in and laying her head on his shoulder.

He stroked her arm with one hand and left the other pressed against the small of he back.  Despite the warmth of the bed he could feel her shake slightly.  They laid in silence for a long time.  Finally, Fenris felt Hawke’s body relax and her breath fall into a rhythmic pattern and he knew she was asleep. 

As she lay sleeping in his arms, he studied her face.  Her short black hair normally pushed back fell covering her forehead.  Her long eyelashes resting delicately on her soft skin with her eyes closed, flickering occasionally as she dreamed.  He raised his fingers to the scar that started above her right brow stopping just above her eye and restarted on her cheek. As he ran his finger down it wondering where she had gotten the scar, she scrunched her face and let out a light moan.  He held his breath as he waited to ensure he hadn’t woken her.   Once he was sure he hadn’t he laid his arm to rest on her arm again. 

Fenris looked up to the ceiling and felt at ease with her weight on top of him.  This was all he had wanted was to be with her, to hold her.  This simple pleasure had been his dream.  He didn’t care about the pain of his tattoos, he loved how the stinging caused him to focus and feel every sensation of her touch.   Her magic rarely hurt through his lyrium tattoos but usually felt sensational.  He smiled briefly as his mind began to race.  He could beg for her to come back.  Tell her how he felt.   _Hawke I never feel more alive than when I am with you._ They could be like this every night.

Fenris looked down at Hawke again.  His heart leapt and he resisted the urge to squeeze her.  Hawke let out a light sigh and small noise similar to a mouse.  It was like a bath in cold water, reality came crashing around him.  He had been fooling himself.  What would happen when Danarius showed up again?  Danarius would find out about Hawke and come for her.  Fenris shuddered at the thought of Hawke always having to look over her shoulder.  Every moment having to live in fear as he did.  Worse, what if Danarius succeeded and got to her? He could never let that happen.  They could run from here.  There was no reason anymore for Hawke to stay in Kirkwall any longer.  No, he could never ask her for that.

Even if they were able to overcome his past, he was certain she would wake up one day too tired to deal with him.  How long until she would lose her patience and no longer be able to deal with him.  The realization was crushing.  She already was so tired, and he was so trying for her.  She needed someone who could ease her burden not add to it.  He had nothing to offer Hawke.  

He placed his nose to her hair and smelled the light lavender and cedar smell he had come to know was Hawke’s scent. Fenris lifted his face and placed his lips to the top of her head. He pulled away from the kiss and closed his eyes to let sleep overcome him.

\---***---

Fenris awoke in a panic. He sat straight up the covers falling down around him as he looked around searching for the source of his fear. His eyes focused and he saw Hawke staring at him. She was holding a tray and a bucket hanging from her forearm. Hawke smiled at him and she began to walk towards

“I didn’t mean to scare you.” Hawke sat on the bed next to him and set the tray down in-between them. It was filled with fruit, eggs, and a few bread rolls. “Orana prepped some food. I tried to tell her we were fine, but here we are.”

Hawke stood up and got on the ground near her desk still holding the bucket. She began pick up the papers on the ground and then the glass from last night. She grabbed a cloth out of the bucket and began to wipe the floor.

“What are you doing?” Fenris asked. He had never seen a noble clean up. It would have been unheard of in Tevinter, even in Kirkwall the maids would be expected to clean up the mess.

“I don’t want Orana to feel like she needs to clean up after...my...fit last night. It’s not her job. If I leave it and she see’s it she will insist that she has to clean it.” She began to place the glass into another bucket. She continued to clean and silence accumulated in the room. Fenris began to eat one of the rolls and reached for some of the fruit seeds that were in a bowl.

She picked up her bucket and moved to where the small chest had crashed into the wall and began cleaning. As she finished she hung her head and let out a large sigh. Fenris stood and took a few steps towards her. “I don’t know what to say, but I am here.”

Hawke lifted her head to see him. “Anything. Say anything.”

“They say death is only a journey. Does that help?” Fenris felt so uncertain. Despite having a full night to think about it he had nothing to offer her.

“It just raises questions.” Hawke smiled at him. “Journey to where?”

“I don’t know. It's just something people say.” Fenris returned her smile.

“I’ll keep that in mind when I talk to everyone.” She let out a forced chuckle. Fenris placed his hand on to her shoulder. “Thank you. I mean for everything, for staying, for being here.”

“I am here if you need me.” Fenris felt hot. He had resigned himself that he needed to let Hawke go, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t be there for her, right? Hawke stood and moved away and Fenris moved and left Hawke to herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos. If there is anything in particular you would like to see let me know :) 
> 
> I know chapters are taking longer so thank you for your patience. Sorry about any misspellings I am terrible at proof reading.


	15. Aveline and Fenris - Freedom Fighters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aveline and Fenris are looking for slavers in the area.

Fenris enjoyed his time with Aveline. Aveline had always been straightforward and didn’t mince words, which was relaxing for Fenris. It had been Aveline who Fenris first had rapport with. While there had been something about Hawke that had pulled Fenris towards her, Aveline had a spirit similar to his own. It was shortly after he had met Aveline that he had asked her how someone who enforced the law so adamantly could allow an apostate remain free. Her passion for helping Hawke, and her immense loyalty as she explained that the greater good was what mattered spoke to Fenris. It was ultimately what had changed his mind about Hawke.

Fenris had heard there were slave traders in the area and he had asked Aveline to assist him in locating them. When approached Aveline had insisted on the city guard handling the investigation until Fenris had explained how uncertain the tip truly was. Even though he thought there was a good chance the information wasn’t accurate he had to follow up, as he would never be able to live with himself if it turned out to be true. Aveline had then agreed to come with him alone as they searched. If the information was accurate the slavers should be traveling near Kirkwall transporting slaves, but they had yet to find any tracks. That morning marked their second day searching for the criminals. Neither of them were morning people so they spent their mornings in silence as they traveled.

The two had stopped and were examining some bear scratches on a tree when Aveline broke the silence. “I was surprised that you asked me to accompany you on this trip.”

“You are a skilled fighter and a just woman. Why would I not want you to join me?” Fenris’s voice was his usual calm vibrato.

“I guess I wasn’t clear. I am surprised Hawke isn’t accompanying you.” Aveline lifted her hand to touch the scratches to see how soft the sap that was leaking from the bark was. “She normally jumps at the chance to help her friends.”

“She has been quite busy _helping_ Sebastian, it seems she has little time for anything else.” The words left his mouth before he had thought about it. Speaking without thinking had been happening far too frequently as of late. He stood and began to methodically brush dirt that didn’t exist off his pants avoiding Aveline’s eyes. “I have not seen Hawke since...well in about two months.”

He felt it was too personal to mention that he hadn’t seen Hawke since her mother was murdered. He had stopped by Hawke’s mansion a few times to see how she was. Each time he was met by Orana who would tell Fenris that Hawke was out with _that dashing young man with the piercing blue eyes._ After the fourth time it occurred he stopped trying to see her, it only hurt to know she was spending so much time with her new _friend_.

“Yes, she has been spending a large amount of time with Sebastian.” Aveline stood up herself and they began to step forward starting on the path again. “Are you alright?”

“There is no reason I shouldn’t be.” Fenris responded staring straight. He hoped the words sounded more convincing than they felt.

“Emotions are rarely reasonable.” Aveline responded and Fenris couldn’t help but smile as he recalled her string of irrational actions when she was trying to initiate a relationship with Donnic. “What happened between the two of you?”

“I want her to be happy, and I can’t give her what she needs. I am not entitled to feel jealous, but despite that truth doesn’t stop the frustration in knowing she is not spending her time with me.”

Admitting it out loud made it all feel so much more real. Her friendship with Varric had stirred the same feelings feelings inside him before, but with Sebastian it was different. Perhaps it was because Sebastian was attractive and he had notice him looking at Hawke on occasion in a way Fenris did not like, although he was sure the fact he hadn’t seen Hawke in such a long time was playing a large role in his jealousy. Fenris had secretly been hoping that circumstances would change and he would be able to be with her. He had no idea what could possibly change for him to make him into the person whom she needed in her life, but the hope had manifested itself in a deep integral part of himself. Now that reality was crushing that hope he could feel his heart getting heavy and wanting to bury itself deep into his gut. The pain now kept him from wanting to see Hawke out of fear that she might confirm his worst fear.

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t think she is interested in Sebastian...in a romantic way.” Aveline moved her hands to the hilt of her sword resting them there.

“Why do you think that?” Fenris spoke calmly but his heart leapt at the possibility.

“First of all I am fairly certain he took a vow of celibacy, and anyone who had met Hawke knows that she can’t live a celibate life.” Aveline let out a chuckle and Fenris even smiled as he thought to the care free Hawke. It was true that Hawke was quite forward, and enjoyed the bedroom.

“You said first, so you have other reasons?” Fenris kept his voice calm but was quite happy at the knowledge that at least nothing physical was happening between Hawke and Sebastian.

“I think Sebastian is too religious for either of the two to be happy with each other.” Aveline appeared surprised when Fenris’s face became confused. “Hawke doesn’t believe in the maker. Did you not know that?”

“No.” Fenris was surprised at this new knowledge of Hawke. Hawke had never said anything negative about Andraste or the Maker, but the more Fenris thought of it he realized he couldn’t recall a time she openly talked about either. He paused for a moment as he let the fact sink in. Despite all he had been through he still believed, wanted to believe, needed to believe. There had been times in his past his fervor belief in the maker was all that kept him holding on. As his mind adjusted to the new idea of Hawke as an atheist he realized it didn’t change anything about her to him.   “I was unaware.”

“It isn’t something she really shares with anyone. I found out when we were working off our debts together. After about the one hundredth time I asked her to attend the chantry services she politely told me she would never attend, as she was not a believer. Hawke told me she thinks faith is beautiful, but it is not for her.” Aveline responded thoughtfully. “Needless to say I think the Chantry boy and her would have a fundamental issues if they were to pursue anything.”

“I would imagine you are right.” Fenris kept his face stoic but was quite pleased.

Aveline pushed her shoulders back stretching her chest briefly before she continued speaking. “Last, Sebastian just isn’t her type.”

“How is he not her type?” Fenris was surprised to hear this, but Aveline was quite familiar with parts of Hawke’s personality that Fenris didn’t know about.

“She likes people who apply their beliefs more than those people who are more theoretical about them. Sebastian is hurting about the loss of his family, but is putting his desire to remain in the chantry above his duty to help his people. Hawke believes that if you have the ability to help others, it is not a choice but an obligation to help. The people she has been attracted too are those who help others. People who believe in something so strongly they will fight and die for it.” Aveline smiled at Fenris. “Hawke falls for those who would throw everything away to protect those who can’t protect themselves.”

Fenris looked away and his mind flashed to the time he had yelled at Hawke when he had thought she was trying to take Orana as a slave. His mind rushed through all the times he had thought he had offended her; he did have passion. “Why would she spend so much time with him?”

“Have you ever known Hawke to turn down a chance to help someone?” Aveline’s voice seemed surprised. Fenris had noticed that Hawke helped everyone and only turned down people down for ethical reasons. “To be honest I think a large part of the reason she has been spending such a large amount of time with Sebastian is because Sebastian is new. He doesn’t remind Hawke of her mom. I imagine that when she is with him she doesn’t have to pretend or talk about it.”

Fenris felt dumb that he had not thought of that. They had just met Sebastian just two weeks before Hawke’s mother had passed. Fenris opened his mouth to speak when he saw Aveline hold up a hand and then pointed down. On the ground, nearly invisible, there was a tripwire; they had found the slavers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone for the patience as I am getting out these chapters. I promise I am still working on the story but each chapter is becoming more difficult than the last. I promise there will be more chapters coming though! 
> 
> I hope you are enjoying the story and if you are please feel free to leave a comment or a heart, it certainly makes my day :) 
> 
> Again thank you for reading and sorry for any misspellings or grammar.


	16. A present for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke stops by Fenris's home to catch up

Fenris could tell the moment he entered his home that there was someone else there. Hawke had enchanted a small crystal on his behalf to change colors when someone walked past it. As he saw it on the wall the light red color he braced himself for whomever he was about to find. He reached for a small dagger to be able to keep the element of surprise and he moved forward. As he got to the doorframe he crouched down to knee level and looked around to see if anyone was present. He noticed the fire was blaring and he could see a set of boots, presumably connected to a person, through the gap between the floor and the chair. Fenris shifted his weight slowly with each step, avoiding the creaking floorboards. He caught sight just past the wing of the oversized chair and immediately his heart slowed and he let out a sigh.

Buried deep into the grey velveteen fabric of the wing of the armchair was Hawke’s face. A small line of drool had formed from her mouth and he could see where it had landed on the chair. Her back was arched and her arms were crossed across her body. He grinned slightly as he took in how beautiful she looked relaxed in the chair. For a brief moment he contemplated letting her sleep there, but as he looked at her position he knew she would wake up in pain. He reached gently for her touching her shoulder lightly.

His heart quickened as her left foot hit his right ankle as she rolled off of the chair. Hawkes right arm reached for a non-present staff on her back. When her hand found nothing strapped to her back her hand came around into a defensive position in front of her face and shifted her right foot back. He could hear her gasping from her adrenalin. He felt his own heart quicken from her fast erratic movements. He swallowed aware of every muscle in his throat as he raised his hands to show her he was unarmed.

“You scared the maker out of me.” Hawke brought her hand to her heart and bent over letting out a loud audible sigh. “How long have you been there?”

“Not long.” Fenris couldn’t help but smile as he watched her lean back trying to relieve the tension in her muscles from the surprise he had induced. “I did not know you were so jumpy.”

“Its true, I spook quite easily.” Hawke smiled back at him and let out another sigh.

“Did you stop by just because my chair is so comfortable?” Fenris moved to the table to grab the wine bottle he had left there this morning. Hawke let out a hearty laugh to his joke.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, and I heard about the slavers. I was hoping to hear the story first hand.” Hawke moved over and grabbed a glass off the table motioning towards the bottle. Fenris swirled the glass around, and for a moment he thought about how much he had changed in his time with Hawke. When he had first arrived in Kirkwall he never drank from a glass but rather straight from the bottle. He now drank with Hawke for pleasure and not out of pain as he used to.

“Yes, we got lucky on finding them I was not sure that the information would be accurate. As you know I have several inquiries out that I am looking to purchase slaves, and I heard through one that there might be slaves making their way near here.” Fenris had put out the inquiry a few years prior and had been able to gain information on several slave traders. Over that time Hawke had come on several of the investigations and was quite familiar with the part of _buyer on behalf of his master_ Fenris would often play, or she herself would be an inquisitive buyer. “Aveline accompanied me as a favor. Our second day we found the camp, and we killed the slave traders. The slaves were freed and are being relocated into the city by the guard.”

“You never cease to amaze me with your convictions to help free those that find themselves in bondage.” Hawke took a bigger drink and Fenris thought back to how Aveline had stated Hawke’s romantic interest were sparked when people defend the defenseless. “Anders told me you had brought one of the slave to him?”

Fenris shifted in his seat slightly. _Of course that abomination wouldn’t be able to keep a secret._ Fenris shifted his eyes towards his wine and began to swirl it to ensure his face did not give any of his thoughts away. “Yes. She needed healing.”

“She was a mage.” Hawke’s eyes bore into Fenris. He finally looked up making eye contact and Hawke continued. “You brought her to Anders rather than the circle for healing.”

“Once she is healed she can go to the circle to ensure she does not become corrupt from her magic.” His words were hollow and he was sure Hawke knew. Fenris wasn’t all right with mages roaming free, but he had begun to understand that locking them up might not be the answer either. When he had realized the young enslaved girl was a mage he had taken her to Anders to be healed, and left her there to take the decision out of his hands. It was the closest he would get to freeing a mage, and still he was haunted wondering if it was the right decision.

“Yes.” Hawke gave a sympathetic smile towards Fenris. He was certain she understood the conflict that was raging internally for him. She had always been patient with him and he felt good that she seemed happy at his attempts to reconcile his hatred of mages. “You know I would have come, right?”

“You have been fairly busy as of late.” Fenris finished off his glass and poured another.  

“Fair enough.” Hawke laughed. Fenris grinned, as she put up her hands in a mock surrender. “I came by because I have something for you.”

Fenris watched as she reached for a small item she had left on the chair. He reached for the small item she offered towards him. His fingers lightly brushed her as he felt the soft plush of the leather that bound the book. He turned it over in his hands. He raised his right index finger and traced the embossed letters on the front cover. He stared at it for quite a while feeling the leather. It felt so delicate in his hands  “It... it’s a book.”

“It’s a subject matter you’re familiar with.” Her smile faded momentarily before it returned. “The book is by Shartan, the elf who helped Andraste free the slaves. You know about him, right?”

“A little it’s just...” Fenris’s heart hurt at the joy in her voice. She was so excited to give him this and he wanted desperately to not have to admit yet another shortcoming of his. _Would she be ashamed of him?_ “Slaves are not permitted to read. I’ve never learned.”

Her smile faded and she tilted her head slightly. She looked at him gently and he turned his eyes away from her. “It’s not too late to learn, Fenris.” The sound of his name on her lips raised his spirits. She reached forward and rested her hand on his and he looked into her eyes to which she removed her hand with a light smile on her face.

“Isn’t it? Sometimes I wonder.” Fenris looked away as he spoke before returning his eyes to see her look deflated. He hadn’t meant to hurt her but he felt so broken with every turn. Just another reminder of how different the two of them were, but here she was. She was there thinking of him. “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful. I do appreciate the thought. I’ve always wanted to learn more of Shartan. Perhaps this is my chance.”

A full smile took over her face. “I’m glad you like it.”

“I always appreciate when you think of me.” Fenris returned her smile.

“I hate to leave but I’m sure Orana is worried. I haven’t been home in quite a while, and I told her I would be home tonight.” Hawke downed the remainder of wine in her glass. “I’ll see you again soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Let me know if there is anything you would like to see in any upcoming chapters.


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